Yoomer (Yoostonian humor)

modified by dan 25-04-2002

Yoomer 1 - Yoomer 2 - Yoomer 3 - Yoomer 4 - Yoomer 5 - Yoomer 6


Yoomer 1
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bloomin' bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any bloomin' bread, ask me again and I'll nail your bloomin' beak to the bar you irritating bloomin' bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?


Yoomer 2
An American boards a train bound for London. The train was crowded and the American walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat available was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog I need that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little "Fee Fee" is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.......................Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her Honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong one out the window..."



Yoomer 3
Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS





Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!













OK?

How many?













Three?













Wrong, there are six...no kidding!






Read again!






FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS




Here is the reasoning:
The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?



Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius!
Three is normal.



Yoomer 4
Carry out this test. Just follow the instructions as quick as possible but do not carry on reading the following questions before you finish the previous one. You do not need to write the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be overwhelmed by the result...



How much is :
15+6













3+56













89+2













12+53













75+26













25+52













63+32













I know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real thing! Come on, few more...






123+5













QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOUR!


























Scroll further to the bottom...













A bit more...













Just a little further...













You have just thought about a red hammer, haven't you????

If this is not the case you are among 2% of the people who have a "different" if not "abnormal" mind. 98% of the folks would answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise. If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.



Yoomer 5
Police Operator: "Hello, is this the police?"
Neighbour: "I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony! He's hiding marijuana inside inside his firewood."
Police Operator: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Tony and left.

The phone rang at Tony's house.

Neighbour: "Hey, Tony! Did the cops come?"
Tony: "Yeah!"
Neighbour: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Tony: "Yep."
Neighbour: "Happy Birthday, Buddy"


Yoomer 6

Turn your speakers on and click here

This is the only evidence that we ever honeymooned together!
The first time we dared to go to the EDGE OF DOOM, we were greeted by one of these beautiful creatures, who let us swim alongside him/her for five minutes...
Dav saw one of these around the breakwaters
These are funny things - I have a dead one at home - don't know what they are...
The original superman!
The beauty of God's creation is beyond understanding!
Yet another beautiful fish that we saw on honeymoon...
This is a stingray. We had one lying in the shallows right in front of our bedroom each morning.
Here is a postcard of the island - it's awesome!
There were lots of these rather plump starfish around our island.
I think these are called squirrel fish, but I'm not sure. They have very big red eyes.
There were a lot of sea cucumbers (look like pork fillets) around. Different types - here's one of them...
One evening as we were sitting at the bar, there was a scorpion fish which came right up to us and hung around for a bit. These are very poisonous.
There were shoals of these right at the edge - they are beautiful when the sun catches them.
Quite a lot of the fish out there had pointy 'noses'. Here's an example...
The picasso fish family are very varied and very beautiful.
Here's another picasso fish. I followed a couple of these around one day.
This is a parrot fish. There were loads of these, but they are so beautiful
This is a parrot fish too! The colours are stunning.
I saw one of these one day - the pattern is amazing!


Thought of the day:

Old programmers never die; they just lose some of their functions.